Self Love Journey: Updates 1 & 2
October 12, 2019 – 00:57 | Barcelona, Spain
I’ve been trying to fall asleep for the last hour or two. My mind has been scattered this afternoon after napping some and shifting plans a bit. It’s been a busy week with lots of love expansion.
Three weeks ago I had a major energy boost that gave me a full afternoon of planning my next 3 months before the year ends. With it, I realised that my focus right now wants to be one. The one thing I have been coming towards to and it’s only evident now.
The one journey that’s most important of all and to us all: loving ourselves.
In those hours of brainstorming and taking notes, I came up with a nice, doable plan that felt different than before. The next day I put hands down on paper and created a large calendar for the next 11 weeks with the main events, activities and goals I want to accomplish by December. It’s now hanging on my wall where I can see it daily and crosscheck as days go by.
I felt inspired, pumped, excited. I felt accomplished. This made me share a post on my Facebook page that talked about making a soul reboot. It felt good and it was exactly right. This is the time for a soul reboot. There’s nothing else to wait for, just to take action into the new version of myself and onwards.
That same night I got a flash in my mind while falling asleep: “make the soul reboot an online program”. It was sound and clear. I smiled, hold onto that thought until the next day.
I woke up early as usual on a work weekday and headed towards my job. While waiting for the first patients to come in I felt this burst of notes to write down on this soul reboot mission I’ve been feeling for myself.
The online program seemed to be wanting to come to life and it was somehow choosing me. I’ve never used to believe things would work like this, but lately? I’m honestly just allowing myself to believe in magic again; to have fun, to let my imagination play. It seems insane that we forgot so easily how playing felt like.
After two pages of nonstop writing, I seemed to have had the basic guideline to what this soul reboot program would be about. Something absolutely new to me, a process an steps I’ve never taken before in this direction. I’ve been a doctor working on conventional systems for most of my professional life – despite the endless curiosity and actions to learn different ways.
I suddenly had a guideline for something that would help me reboot myself but most importantly, to bring others on the journey so that they can reboot themselves too. I haven’t been truly spiritual and yet, all this energy workings have been playing fun tricks in my reality. In the end I’m understanding vibrations, flow, alongside with faith and taking action.
My 3-month plan feels doable, yet I haven’t been following exactly to every step assigned. However, I am proud because I have been pretty close! My 3-month goals and some actions I’ve chosen are:
- Go back to my best flexibility level like when I did pole fitness two years ago.
- Remove contraceptive patch to cleanse my body from external hormones.
- Go back to vegetarian. Improve my Vata-Pita Ayurved balance.
- Increased water intake daily.
- Improve eating schedules according to day job timetables – Spain can be tricky.
- Daily morning stretching with window wide open for deep fresh air.
- Buy an alarm clock. Leave mobile outside the bedroom every night.
- Read a book, even if only a page or two before bedtime.
- Less screen time.
- More dancing and engaging with my weekly lessons.
- Create a weekly self-love journal update here on the site (hello!)
- Launch The Soul Reboot (coming October soon!).
- Swim some every month (ideally every 2 weeks) at the local pool.
You see, I’ve been a procrastinator for most of my life. I’ve done a lot of things that required discipline, mostly because it was given to me. I am great at following directions. Give me the biggest task of all and I’ll perform it to perfection…but give me a free canvas with a final goal and I won’t be able to see or draw the line that can get me there. And that’s considering how creative I am yet unable to create doable processes like those myself.
I have tried in many ways. I’ve tried being a gym person for ages, or creating my own business which feels like a big, fat lie even when I think about it. I quit my job and tried building something for 3 years and all I could see was failure, my own. I couldn’t make it work, make money enough to survive peacefully. I thought I have tried it all and it burnt me.
The few things that managed to make me stay consistent and go back on tracks each time were a normal day job and dancing – since I found I loved dancing on a core level well after my mid 30’s. Apparently I was a natural little dancer at age 2 according to my mother’s notes, yet somewhere on the way I seemed to have stopped doing it. So I’m bringing it back for good!
In all these processes and periods of time, I never truly acknowledged myself or allowed myself be that thing that I was trying to attempt. I was always sabotaging myself on the background, now I know. I haven’t mastered any of it but I see what I was doing my entire life while repeating patterns of feeling not enough, fearful of being judged, rejected and more.
Oh the lies we believe about ourselves as told by others, mainly the whole of society and the way it works – ironic since it doesn’t really work! Right?
Anyway, long story short..
I’ve been healing the shit out of me (excuse my french, I don’t usually use swear words when I write). Yes, healing the shit out of me after a burnout process that took me to my lowest, darkest spots I didn’t know I have only to find the way back, step by step.
At this point, countless layers of old fears, patterns of conditioning and more have been seen by my mind’s eye and my soul. I have seen the deep deep layers that were running my life and wow…what a game changer that is.
I am then in a place where my life is already shifting fast. A week feels like ages ago, such is the power of emotional healing. I have tried to talk about this before so much, as a doctor, as a writer and simply as a human. Yet always felt unheard in the most part.
Now I see how it was my own attitude and fears dictating how I was perceiving the outside world when it was truly my inside world. May sound obvious to some, maybe not. But what I do know is that discovering and uncovering these things all the way down to my core and up has been the most difficult and rewarding journey I have been through. And trust me, I have traveled some bit around the world!
I used to feel that speaking about this all would make me be seen like less of a doctor, less of a mature adult, less of a grownup woman who supposedly had her shit together. Well, no. I hadn’t.
I used to feel like a fake in so many was: professionally, among family, among friends, among society. I felt so unfit, not just physically but professionally, socially. It grew through the years until making me feel also emotionally unfit, and that’s when my glass broke.
I’ve always been emotionally open, vulnerable and strong despite having been seen as weak for most of my life too. I was always confused but I knew deep down that showing my feelings was a good and healthy thing. So, the moment I started to feel weak in my feelings, that’s when my shit storm came down on me, making it all crumble.
What a ride! I have had been through moving countries, continents and so much more life-wise years before all this. I even got married, divorced, surgeries to fix important issues and more. But I had never encountered my deepest bottom.
Well, when you’re that far down there’s only one way and that’s the way up.
Fast forward 1 or 2 years later, here I am, writing this post in a cozy autumn midnight from my flat in Barcelona again, after a year of deep healing, learning about myself deeper and better like never before, understanding decades of social conditioning that hurt so much, and releasing layer after layer with support, guidance and lots of inner work. Thankfully, I’ve always been a very insightful person but this was next level.
And now it’s all turning next level again.
The inner work has paid off incredibly much – and I’m sure it will continue to do so. The support systems I’ve encountered have been priceless, and most of all, understanding the universe, energy, source, god all as one – the one thing that lives inside of us, that it is us and in essence above all, it’s love – has been the key to move forward. And still going.
Something about combining medicine with faith and energy has always been or felt or seen so cuckoo, crazy, woo, you name it. But honestly, the more I have been learning and leaning into eastern medicine philosophies as much as life philosophies, such as Ayurveda or learning about the Baghvad Gita or learning about Indian culture and the way they view the world from the spiritual aspect. It’s all just such a small part of the whole of this all.
But I can’t ignore the fact that I feel there’s more, and with it, more that I can and want to do from this side of things that call my heart.
It took me decades to get to this point, and tonight, on this full moon night, I was sleepless, unsteady and needing to put some words down. I had no clue what they would be but suddenly this whole big, honest post came through.
This is the story and background of how The Soul Reboot was born a few days ago. And how my whole being has been shifting, levelling up, rising vibrations and understanding all this crazy energy that we’re living in.
Maybe all those who believe in such things will always been seen as crazy, woo woo, maybe even idiotic or irrational, but at this point it doesn’t really matter anymore. What matters is that we believe in something and that through this something we do some good into the world around us.
We have spent our lives living in fear. Fear of this person or that situation, of mum or dad, of the school teacher, of the system, of the angry professor, the bad cop, the dominant friend, the macho partner or the bitter lady with the cold look in the eyes. Always fear only to loose control of ourselves.
Life is not meant to be lived like this.
Life is meant to be lived from love, not fear.
Love is the opposite of fear.
It’s time to understand and see how fear has been ever present in our lives, no matter our culture, gender, location, profession. Fear is everywhere, deep deep down in the system and into our very soul system. And it must break down now.
Sounds cliché as we know it, yes, but love is the way. Love is what changes everything: a newborn, a new love, a new sense of self. Love is always the most powerful thing that makes everything change for the better. Fear instead, makes it all go downhill. Enough is enough.
Long rant and exposure of feelings and midnight thoughts just to say that I am done with fear and ready for love.
And the journey to love begins within so it can spread out.
This is exactly where I am in my journey, and this is exactly how my own soul reboot desire came to inspire a whole larger revolution called The Soul Reboot.
I have been procrastinating a bit about it, maybe fearful of being seen like a crazy person who writes, who’s a doctor and who’s now talking in soul language, talking energy, But that’s why speaking up and waking up to your truth is necessary: so your tribe can find you. It’s a lonely road for a while, until you find the right people who are ready to have what you’re cooking.
With all this said, finally opening up some more, coming out of the whatever closet I was in all these years, ready to embark on a new journey that begins within.
The Soul Reboot journey.
And this is how I finish my long first and second update of my weekly task as I set myself to do from October to December 2019. No more believing the old stories about myself. I get to decide whatever I want to be and do.
And so do you.
If these words call you, then you’re ready and on your journey too. I’m happy for you! And if it calls you deeper, then join me here.
Thanks for being here! You are gold, you rock and you are so ready too. Let’s effing do this!
With love,
Mariana
Image Credits: Unsplash
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