Self Love Journey: Update 5
My last Self Love Journey update was on October 2019 (6 months ago) and as I feel the calling to come express my feelings, thoughts and growth once more, I see how interesting it might be to try and make a good, productive summary of the last six months in this journey of self love.
Well, first of all, it’s pandemic time.
Little did we all know that a few months forward we’d all be locked down while riding a roller coaster of emotions as both light and shadows of the self come to our conscious sight.
Last October I was in such a different place indeed. I can’t even remember all the details, all I know is that my heart and mind where in a darker place that seemed still to sail.
Christmas and holidays came along. I had a trip planned to spend 1 month at home with my family. Bless life for such blissful times. I had been preparing my soul before departure, suspecting there might be some tensions yet knowing that my clarity and calmness would be there above all, ruling my days and easing my heart. I felt strong, clear and ready to just let go, enjoy and be fully in the present.
Indeed tensions happened but differently than expected. I found myself remembering certain parts of my past, feeling so much and healing with every breathe. My heart was present and in a soothing state most of the time.
I became acceptance.
Acceptance of old pasts, old memories, old wounds.
As I found myself soaking in this acceptance of all that was and all that is, I was able to feel some weird heart pinches from time to time – expansions they call it, I learned later ahead.
I suddenly started seeing myself in a different light, within and with all that surrounded me. How to describe it…? I was starting to truly feel loved in ways I never did before. I was starting to feel like I belonged in this place in ways I never felt before. I saw the light around me too. I saw the people and could suddenly see their love for me, but not just that…I could actually feel it too! Might sound obvious yet to me it wasn’t a thing as deep, obvious and clear as that ever. But suddenly I was being shown a new reality with every blink and with every new day.
Was it me the only one who hadn’t seen and felt all that love around me all those years?
Was it me the one who felt so misplaced throughout my entire life?
Did I blocked myself most of my life for reasons pertaining the outside of me? If so, why so?
Yes, I was suddenly starting to see a new reality and I believe it was thanks to my attitude of acceptance, which only allowed me to see myself differently on a subconscious, even unconscious level.
Yes, I could suddenly see that I was truly loved and I belonged here now. Not because someone told me but because I could know see it with my heart. I could actually feel it now. Is it that we build walls around our heart?
Now the question was “why did I live thinking and believing I wasn’t loved or that I didn’t belonged?” A new process would begin in the months ahead: the process of integrating this new knowledge of love and belonging.
January came and so did the time to leave again. Like those many times throughout the course of the last decade, coming and going. Always suffering the ripping of the heart in each farewell as I took a transatlantic flight back to this place where work and life had been made again.
It became clear as crystal water: after a decade abroad, my place is with my family. I can always see the world and create my legacy but from a place closer to them, so that we don’t miss more of the little daily warm times together anymore. Why? Because my heart now says so. And when the heart talks, you just listen and follow.
Back in Barcelona in the middle of winter, with cold days and crispy air, I could barely recognise the city, the home or the workplace as I arrived. Everything felt so alien, so distant, so changed! I felt a stranger in my own space, a guest in my reality. It was only a month though…but the change was real. Yet it wasn’t the city, no. It was me who changed, so deeply to the point of feeling almost unrecognisable within and without.
What a realisation.
Now the next work began: the “Return Home Mission” with details and action steps. My positivity, clarity and desire to act went through the roof. Message sent, email sent, contact reached, pending replies, more emails, plan explained, all checked! BOOM. It was happening.
As January went through I felt this confidence coming back, flooding me and allowing me remember the strength within.
Slowly into February 2020, the normality of daily routine and work would creeped in as well. A few debris from the recent past would take over me during the weekends, making me feel the solitude, the loneliness and the steadiness of it all. But I was determined and clear that this was an older version of me that had been already healing.
I started noticing myself in the mirror some more. She called for attention into her eyes every time I walked by. I would stop more often and have a look, every time more closely, until I realised who she was. A glimpse of the soul inside that body…wow.
My mind is a bit blown, not sure why, just blown and wondering. Who is she? What does she want from me? I like her but I don’t fully understand what’s going on. Yet it’s okay. I decide to pay more attention and spend more time with her. We would meet in the mirror, sometimes with music, sometimes while dancing, sometimes with a cuppa tea on the couch, sometimes with tears, and sometimes with smiles and laughs. Sometimes in the darkness, sometimes with candle light.
As I started seeing her more, I was also shown a little girl at times. A shy and slightly scared little one wanting to be part of the conversation, of the fun yet not knowing how to approach. Like a kid who’s out of place and just wanting to be seen, to belong, to have fun.
It caught my attention deeply…and also felt somehow paralysed by her, by the little girl. Who is she now? Where’s the lady? Why did she showed me the kid and left?
Well, I needed to do something about it. The little girl was as frightened as me, just waiting to hear something. She was too scared so it was my turn as a mature adult to get closer. She was sometimes in the mirror too but so many other times she was just wandering around. She seemed not only frightened but bored too, so I’d figure a little play and dancing might cheer her up for a start.
So we did, was it growingly magical!
I started talking to her slowly, lovingly, curiously. She was impressively receptive and open almost right away. So playful! So sweet, so joyous and willing to just be there having fun and being present.
As days went by, we were able to share more, to talk. She started to open up, quite naturally, almost in a mindless way. I felt she started trusting me and honestly, I started to enjoy her company too. Amazed at her strength and her infinitely loving nature.
As days went by I could see a change in her too. Mostly a physical one, growing from 5-6 years old to maybe 7 or 8 years of age now. Oh dear inner child of mine.
February was indeed interesting, deep and even surreal like this. While all this was happening there was another parallel opening happening as well.
God.
A higher force was trying to come into my life too. A higher force that I had been resisting for ages. I was raised in a catholic country and dogma but after certain age it all felt just so punishing and unfair, having impacted my life negatively, making me believe the lowest and most negative things about myself – awareness which I didn’t have at the time. At some point in my early adulthood, I decided to step back and take the reins of the journey myself.
In endless ways, taking these reins certainly served me, particularly to get rid of old damaging mindsets taught by a society, mindsets that are emotionally sick and unavailable, yet as an adult, the responsibility to change it and heal from it was entirely my own. So off I went.
As healing went happening through the years, deeper and deeper, clearer every time into new levels of awareness and truth, I have come to feel this higher force in this present time. Through my upbringing, this higher force was called God. Yet through my higher conscious awareness learning, this force has many other names too and eventually, deep down, it all comes down to the same One thing. The one that lives within us all without exceptions.
In this higher awareness, since February onwards, I’ve been brought not only to understand but to feel this higher truth that lives within each one of us. The fact that we are light beings; that we are actually light and energy and vibrations; that our mind and mindset as we grew up were based only on the physical reality of this all, which is mostly based on fear, and the physicality of life being just a small part after all.
Just like when I’ve strongly believed and talked about how disease and pain are only the last link of the chain, as the emotions are the root to every physical disturbance or ailment. Just in this same way then, I have come to see that we, as human beings are a body as a container filled with the vastness and infinity that we really are as souls. We are souls living the human experience indeed.
So, my accepting the past brought me to encounter myself and my inner child, whom seem to have brought with it a connection to a higher realm that was waiting for me.
And since then, I’m in this surreal, wonderful path of continuous evolution that keeps opening up things for me, shaking my ground, filtering the soil, old vs. new, making me see old realities vs new realities and somehow breaking through the illusions of what we used to think and how we have perceived life until this point of pivotal change.
Realising that we are all somehow raised in a fear-based mindset – because that’s how society has worked for a long long time – is opening more eyes for me than I ever knew we had. It’s opening up a new reality which involves a new way of thinking, of feeling, of acting, of understanding.
This new way of life is completely based on love rather than fear.
And it changes the whole game of life!
Some are calling it the 5D, or the New Earth, or the Aquarius Era. Whatever name you prefer, according to your views, beliefs or mindsets, what matters is that we all become aware that we are so much infinitely more than the body we live in.
I still haven’t grasped even the edge of this all on this as it’s truly infinite, but just being able to catch the glimpses of this awakening is beyond remarkable already. Makes life easier, you know, happier, calmer. Because this new way is all about love and compassion, and it begins with changing the way I see and accept myself.
Then March came and with it, the Coronavirus pandemic, hitting with it every corner of the world and every corner of every soul. Suddenly the entire human population is being advised to stay at home for days and days to go. First, panic, waves of toilet paper and fear. Then a certain routine settles down through the uncertainty of it all. Online connection to the top, infinite activities to keep everyone’s minds busy…but, eventually it must happen. The solitude, the confrontation, the shadow, the self. No one can run and no one better run. Because your own shadow won’t hurt you, but so we’ve been taught. What a shame and now I see how this is of massive importance as I go through my own shadows with love rather than fear.
There was a time, around two weeks ago, between the first and second week of April, when after a constant process of evolving within, I came to see a huge next step in this journey: I came to actually feel forgiveness towards myself. Until that point I hadn’t realised how much pain and weight I was still carrying around within me due to certain aspects of my past. And suddenly it happened…
After weeks of spending time with myself at the mirror, playing with my inner girl who has been growing to the speed of light the more we’ve spent and shared, seeing her grow in front of my eyes has been a major lesson – after all this, suddenly it happened that I saw myself and my past, the parts I used to hold with pain, suffering and some attachment, being suddenly showered with a pure stream of forgiveness flowing down on me.
I stood still, while watching her, me, in the mirror. It suddenly hit me, and I cried and we smiled deeply. I hugged her, I hugged me. I hadn’t felt this before. It took a few seconds of incredible clarity as if having a spiritual birth of myself right there. Months of gestation now felt like reaching a goal, a finish line.
Little did I know that after only a few days some important parts of my past would show up unexpectedly, with some words of kindness, completely unaware of how they were giving me a most needed closure.
Forgiveness brought me closure.
And closure surely brings positive energy to move forward.
It’s April 22nd today, 5 weeks since pandemic lockdown, 3 months since the higher force started to show itself to me, 4 months since I came changed from my trip home where I saw and felt The Love once and for all, 3 years since my darkest nights of the soul, 5 years since I dreamed so fearlessly and fiercely about the life I had suddenly full clarity about and went after it, without knowing how much growth, ground-shaking, pain and healing would come through it all.
I’ve wondered many times why certain things happened the way they did, but now I know that those ways of thinking doesn’t matter…because I have come to the part of the journey where I see the self, the life and the illusions.
It’s a different journey now. Having arrived to myself is the new beginning. Loving her unconditionally is the continued journey from here onwards. Knowing myself as a being of light, that has a higher purpose, which was planned before my arrival in this body is where I continue my path.
So much is unknown and will continue to be and it’s okay. Because now we understand that with every step, the next steps are shown to us. Because life as we know it is about uncertainty, like this pandemic, like everything being shown to us so we can evolve. Because if we stay the same and never change, then what’s the point.
And above all, because if we choose to shift our daily living from fear-based to love-based, then life on Earth will certainly never be the same again, for everyone’s highest good.
I can’t address enough how magnanimous these last 6 months have been, even more as I splash this written summary here. The power of journaling is as great as meditating. The two things that bring me back to my center and that I’m only being called to embrace them both deeply and seriously. I’ll share more on that another time soon.
I see how it all connects so delicately, and I see how trust – in life, in a God, in myself – is the new way. Because we are light, just like God, just like love, and it all lives inside of us. The power was always inside of us. Little do we know as we grow, yet this is only the journey of life. To remember so that we can come back to know what and who we really are.
May we all wake up to our own light.
That’s my wish for the entire world in this pandemic time.
With love,
Mariana
Image Credits: Unsplash
