Family Of One

Family Of One

I am a family of one. I don’t have dogs, kids, a husband or even a house or a car of my own property. For as long as I’ve known, I always thought the idea of success was rooted in these main assets of life as we’ve been taught. 

I’m 39 years old and I am at this point of my life where the clock has been ticking louder and louder since I turned maybe 36 or 37. The more calendar pages flew by, the louder the ticking became. I had always been someone who in essence knew deep down what I wanted to feel from life – not have. 

I have lived a lot and gone through a whole other lot in these short yet intense 39 years old. The average? I don’t know. Society’s average? Definitely not.

And as the clock has been ticking and ticking, louder and closer to my ear and my heart, I have felt the pursuing guilt of not being the accomplished person I thought I should be by now – with the house, the steady family and the great income to allow me the steady life. Instead, I have no ownership to my name other than my very own self and my soul. Yet what I blessing and a luxury on it’s own! I think to myself.

I feel like I’m reaching a point where the closer the 40-years-old mark gets, the calmer I am suddenly finally becoming…only when I have started to realise how my life is certainly mine. Most importantly, one that I don’t need to constantly explain myself for. My actions, me ownings or my lack there-of of the things society has told us that matter the most. 

I’ve been building a life for myself which seems to have no direction in many ways to many, yet the more I walk my inner path the more I realise I have always had my guiding light guiding me very closely, so faithfully and lovingly. Even when I was always trying to over explain myself, feeling like I owed all my actions to those I love the most and everyone else but me; unconsciously yet constantly looking for their approval one way or another. 

Yes, I have lived my life from this view point where I had always been the insecure, emotional, undecisive little girl, yet so many times the script didn’t match such definition when I have embraced my life, my clarity and my decisions in key moments, in such a way that I wouldn’t doubt myself for a split second. Those key moments of my life have been my referral, my parameter, my own self-measurement and self reminder of who I really am yet I had always forgotten most of it, never fully aware of my essence, only nibbles of it here and there to keep me going.

As I am to hit 40 in a few months, I realise these things and more. I see how age 35 was my deepest breaking point and 36 was my awakening point. They might only be numbers, but I’ve learned numbers have a frequency of their own, and with it comes a power that can only be attained by each one of us alone.

It’s only been an inner road since, where the more I feared time passing by due to the ticking clock, the more I have been able to recognise all that was hurting within me for so long. All that needed to be seen, acknowledged, loved and released. 

And seen this way as I type this I can only ask myself: “How have I been so lucky and blessed to be chosen to walk this path?” The most difficult path I’ve walked in this intense, whirlwind of a lifetime yet the one that seems to be bringing all the pieces of the puzzle back together. Only as the clock is soon to tick the Big mark so far, am I only starting to understand this latest 5-year journey. I look back and think of the people that have had a significant part in it and I can only be amazed at how life works its magic without us knowing, not one single bit of it. When everything feels such a messy turmoil of joy and pain, life is working its biggest magic on us behind the scenes. 

It’s August 4th, 2021 and exactly one year and seven months of official pandemic time have gone by. Another greatest ally in this journey somehow. I’m sitting on my bed at almost 8 pm, with my cup of Earl Grey tea, while a stormy sunset is poking outside the window on this chilled summer afternoon. And I’m thinking and recalling on this journey, maybe even retrieving parts of myself that needed to be rescued from the past as I feel a power of self coming back to me like I haven’t sensed before…not this conscious, not this deep, and definitely not this powerful and clear. 

For endless different reasons that I’ve been able to work through deep therapy and healing, I’ve realised I’ve lived my life in absolute fear of people’s opinions of me and my actions, fearing rejection and being left alone, abandoned and unloved. Always seeking approval, always adapting myself as needed to be accepted and never rejected, always loved and never abandoned. Always used since early age to become what others needed me to be, making me grow and evolve in a way where I have been absolutely unaware of who I was as an individual, as a person of my own – throwing me into constant search for something I couldn’t put a name on. Maybe a sense of home…maybe a sense of self.

And due to this essential root of my upbringing which moulded my personality, I grew up fearing, searching, longing.

There would be no way I could be this clear while typing these words, so clear in my understanding of my own self if it hadn’t been through this last cycle of growth and awakening. It’s clear. I thank and bless every single soul, place and experience that have taken place during this part of my path. I couldn’t imagine right now how it could’ve gone differently. I just know now that the call happened and the process had no other option but to begin.

And here I am, the laptop’s battery sign is marking 39% just when I feel almost ready to finish today’s session on self expression. Tic toc…tic toc….tic toc…

The clock is ticking.

Louder than ever.

Yet more confident and clearer than any other part of my journey ever before.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, I am a family of one. All I have is this, me, my essence, my real self.

And no one can ever take that away from me.

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